Look, I know your frame may be 5’7″ and 110lbs soaking wet and the most time you’ve spent playing sports is when your distant uncle convinces you to play football at Thanksgiving, ending in blood and crying, but you have to hear me out.You can DOMINATE in fantasy football. You might ask yourself “Cody, why in the hell would I play fantasy football?” Of course you’d doubt yourself; it’s what you’re used to. That’s okay I’m here to build you up.
If you’re anything like my Mudblood self, you have a distinct fierceness when it comes to competition and you definitely understand strategy. You’re smart; you probably helped most athletes in school get by and never took credit. You have an ability to be victorious in most competitive atmospheres and enjoy the spoils. I want to show you why it’s your time for Fantasy Football. You may have never given two prune induced craps about football, but it’s time you pay attention.
First: You’re Smart—
Because of your uncanny ability to retain knowledge, you are already someone to be feared at the draft party. If you’re a master chess player, magic gatherer, Pokemon collector, hairy larper, or some kind of mad scientist wizard, you will most likely have the most detailed draft board put together based on your research. If you’re not familiar with what a draft board is, basically it’s a list of all players you want on your team. It’s just like getting picked last in sports…(cough)something I’m familiar with… you have every player lined up on your board that you think can help you win. Usually they are listed from best to not the most awesome. The tricky part of this board and selecting who you want is the other teams selecting before you. You have to really think about what players MIGHT be left when it is your turn. So really getting your team together is putting together a really strong strategy of research and assumptions. You see? Fantasy Football isn’t really about being a fan of football, it’s more about using your mind to CRUSH your friends dreams of a perfect fantasy football team. You can maniacally laugh and rub your hands awkwardly every time you steal a player off someone else’s draft board. See? Right up your alley. So you’re probably thinking “Okay, I’m a little intrigued.” Or maybe “Still not thinking about it”. Let me explain further.
Second: The Draft Party—
After you’ve spend the better part of 3 weeks studying stats and depth charts your mind is ready to explode from all the knowledge you have. The draft party is the perfect place to relinquish some of the pressure that has been building in your mind. Draft parties are usually a ton of fun. You get to hang out with your friends, try and ruin each other’s dream team, and usually eat hot wings while you do it (or soy patties if you’re vegan I guess?). Once you are actually drafting, and not laughing about the useless nipples on Batman’s suit in Batman and Robin, there is a dead silence in the room. Everyone is watching everyone like a gang knife fight or something, all waiting to take a stab and one another. The first guy makes his pick… and then…. Boom! It’s go time. Some will moan and groan with every pick. Others will calmly and precisely call out their team and never flinch (this should be you with your awesome research being done). Then there is always the one drunk guy who is saying nonsense about everything. Don’t worry about him; he’ll quit after the third game. After it’s all said and done everyone usually sits around and discusses what they had wanted to do and eventually ends up playing one kind of video game or another (Madden, NCAA, Super Smash Brothers, it all depends on the crowd).
Third: You Know How to Trade—
Draft day is really just the beginning. After the dust settles, and the sore losers have gotten over their losses in the draft room, your friends will become worse than brokers on the New York Stock Exchange. You’ll start getting crazy text messages from your friends that look like your crazy ex-girlfriend wrote them “PLEZ PLEZ PLEZ Talk to me!!!!!!!! WE CAN WORK THIS OUT!!! I’LL LuV YOU FOREVER!!!!” but your strong will and inexperience with women will make it easy for you to turn down terrible offers. Plus you have more experience trading game cards than anyone in the room.
Fourth: It’s All a Game—
What makes Fantasy Football so well suited for you is it is the LONGEST BOARD GAME YOU WILL EVER PLAY, and what’s best is that all your game pieces are real people. It’s kind of like you’re the general of an army. Every week you face a new foe. Your job is to put your best battle pieces on the board, and let them hurt each other like that sweet chess set in star wars ( I always wanted one of those). I personally feel this is the BEST part of playing fantasy football. It is extremely unpredictable. You may have read every beginners guide to fantasy football and they all say to draft Peyton Manning as your first pick, then the very first play of the season he breaks his neck (knock on wood, which would be terrible). This is similar to having your favorite Magic card light on fire just before you went to a tournament. IT MAKES YOU THINK EVERYTHING IS RUINED. Luckily, you’ve already made a solid draft and have another quarterback you can throw in the game, right? In the end, it is just a big game, and is all for fun.
Fifth: You can Win Money! —
With all the previous reasons to play in your pocket, you could literally use your skills to line your pockets. Most Fantasy Football leagues are free, but there are some that may have an entry fee. For instance the one I’ll be playing in this year has a $20 entrance fee. While that may seem steep, trust me, it’s not. I’ve seen some of my friends play for $150 and win $2,000. Now they have tons of experience, and have been practicing the craft for a while, but seriously I have no doubt you could pull this off. Here’s my advice. Take this year, and maybe next, and play for free with your friends who already do. If playing for money isn’t your thing I don’t blame you. Sometimes it is just fun to win, and rub your friends’ faces in it.
Sixth: You have Help
Luckily for you, Robbie and I are here to help you build a draft and guide you through your first season of Fantasy Football. We’re not pro’s, but I feel like we can learn a lot from each other. You have a question about a player, or rules, or how you should set up your draft, don’t be afraid to send it to us. We’ll give you our best answer.
So what part of this makes you think you might want to play fantasy football?